Honesty

Apparently Tiger Woods broke his marriage vows. Repeatedly. And the world is fascinated by this news, which initially perplexed me a little. It's not as if Tiger is the first celebrity, sports hero, or famous person to cheat. Far from it. The list is long but includes names familiar to all of us. So why is everyone so fixated on Tiger's cheating ways? I have a theory.

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There are few things that stir the heart more than dishonesty. Well, there are few things that stir MY heart more. I don't think I expect a lot out of people but I DO expect honesty, decency, and some level of transparency if you're going to be in a "real" relationship with me. Don't tell me one thing and do another. Don't lead me to believe you are someone you aren't. Don't deceive me or yourself. And certainly don't lie to me. Please. I don't feel like that's too much to ask.

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I think people are wrapped up in Tiger's story precisely because he represented himself to be something that he is not. To the world, he was a moral, decent, honest, family man who would "never" engage in the behavior that now makes him infamous. It's the disparity that is causing all of the ruckus. There is a certain amount of cognitive dissonance in understanding who Tiger is and who he is not. And it's sad.

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Seth doesn't yet know what it means to lie, but it seems like kids learn these things earlier all the time. I've watched it happen with my nieces and nephews -- suddenly there is this realization that I could mislead you. And maybe, I could benefit (at least superficially) from doing so. My brother and I were recently talking about how to teach our kids the value of honesty and truth. It isn't easy. We agreed that the best route is through example. See, kids notice everything. If you call a friend and say you can't attend because your son is ill (and he's not) your son notices. If you tell someone on your cell phone that you aren't at home and you are, your daughter will see it. When you lie to your spouse or your boss or your child's teacher, they notice! When I fake it, having just said the opposite in front of Seth, he learns. THAT's where our kids get this bad trait: US. And that's truly unfortunate, because God is very clear on this front:

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"Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another." Lev. 19:11

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"My lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit." Job 27:4

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"The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful." Prov. 12:22

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"Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Col. 3:9-10

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"Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit." Ps. 34:13

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For my part, instead of engaging in the all-tempting voyeurism of Tiger and his family, I'm going to pray for him. That truth and The Truth would permeate his life and he would be a changed man. Maybe we all have just a little to learn from Tiger's plight about being real, honest, decent, and transparent. I know I do.

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"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil. 4:8

Prayers

". . . . my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.' Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Lamentations 3: 17 - 27.

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Clear MRI. Thank you Jesus!

Trust Issues

I was recently reminded that I have trust issues. Big ones. No, not the kind that makes me wait until a car approaching a red light comes to a complete stop before crossing, but rather the kind that needs more than a person's word to take to the bank. Or, gulp, sometimes, more than God's Word.

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I have not been feeling well. For a while now. It is impacting my ability to work, to parent, to be a good friend, and to write this blog. I'm exhausted all of the time and have other strange symptoms I won't bore you with. I'm very blessed to have many doctors in my life including my brother-in-law, my dear friends Beth, Jen, and Lori, as well as my own team of people that I see professionally. None of them think anything serious is going on. None of them are panicking. None of them think I'm rational. :) Ha. But even hearing them tell me "you're okay" isn't enough. Even hearing the neurologist tell me last week, "I'm not worried. If you want additional tests, I will order them for you but not for me. I don't need more tests.". That worked. For a minute. And then I spent all weekend panicking about _____ since we haven't done the most important test. Oh brother. Talk about not trusting the experts!!!

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So Wednesday I had an MRI and shortly we will know for certain about the issue most troubling me. Somewhere behind the fear I know I'm fine. Or will be. But I needed objective raw data to tell me that to be at peace in my head and my heart. Pray for those results. A clear brain!!

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This journey to find my health (again) runs a strong parallel to my journey of faith. I believe in God. I love Him. I pray. I worship. I serve. But the truth is, I also often doubt and long for that objective Truth to smack me in the head like the results of an MRI. Something I can see and touch and taste and hold. But that's not what faith is like, is it? Faith is believing what we cannot see. Faith is a leap into the unknown. Faith is not uninformed or baseless, but it can be reckless and is always wilful, at least for me. See, sometimes I have to will myself to have faith because often, what I see, touch, experience, and live would lead me to the opposite conclusion. Faith is hard. Faith takes work. Faith takes FAITH.

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Lord, help me to continue to grow in my faith in You. Help me to trust You and the plan You have for me, my family and this world. Thank You for being ever present and all-knowing. Amen and amen.

Do-Good-er

I love snow. No, I don't want it year round, but I love it. Love watching it fall, love playing in it, and love the quiet it brings to the neighborhood for at least a few days after it falls. So cleansing and beautiful. Pure. Clean. Perfect.

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When I got off the train yesterday it was a no-brainer. About six inches of snow had fallen since I left for work and as I dug out my car, I noticed a woman coming from the train to dig out her car, right in front of mine. I quickly finished cleaning off the Cab and started on her car. Not because of some desire to be a do-good-er but because I love snow and felt energetic for the moment and felt like maybe she needed an extra hand today.

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The woman uttered a quick thank you, asking me how much snow I thought had fallen. And then she launched. She started lecturing me (I don't believe that's an exaggeration) on the fact that when I park behind her (which I often do) I'm regularly illegally parked on a yellow curb. She tried to curb the lecture into concern about me receiving a ticket, but it quickly becomes clear she wants to be the last car in the row. (I will spare you my defense but let's just say she leaves room for 3/4 a car, effectively eliminating one entire space). I sighed, thanked her for letting me know I'm at risk of getting a ticket (whatever) and happily finished off her car.

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What a great reminder that service is about MY heart, not the heart of the person receiving help. Their worthiness, gratitude, ..... their heart has nothing to do with it. How often do I decline to help someone because I don't think they will be grateful? How often do I look the other way because "that person" isn't worthy of my help? Too often, I fear. Lord, make it about my heart. Make my heart more like yours. Amen and amen.

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"The Lord loves a cheerful giver." 2 Corin. 9:7

Do The Right Thing

On our late flight home from Orlando, I sat next to a somewhat annoying father of two, whose children were seated in front of us with their mom. During our long flight, he asked me about my occupation -- the usual stuff of flights. I made the mistake of answering with way too many details. I told him I'm a former federal prosecutor, now working at a large law firm in criminal defense and government investigations. Open the flood gates . . . .

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For the next two hours, I was cross-examined by this gentleman about prosecutions, police work, and being a lawyer. Sigh. That will teach me to open my mouth. Ha! One of his questions stuck with me, however: "When you were a prosecutor, did you want to 'do the right thing' or were you 'in it to win it'?" Huh. Interesting question and an easy one for me, quite frankly. The right thing was ALL I cared about when I prosecuted. This man was stunned when I told him about cases I declined for lack of evidence or when an agent went south on me mid-trial and we dismissed the case. I think this gentleman doesn't really like prosecutors or agents or police officers. Very mistrustful. Nevertheless, I found his question interesting.

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See, I am competitive. And I LOVE to win. But as a prosecutor, it wasn't my main goal -- not even close. Probably because I'm a little bit of a Bleeding Heart. Ah, there it is. ;) Win, but not at all costs. Isn't that yet another little slice of life?

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If there's anything I want to give Seth it is the desire to do only the right thing. Yes, I hope he's competitive. I hope he wants (and likes) to win. It's the foundation of this country, like it or not, so he kind of needs to be competitive. But not over the top.

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The Bible doesn't really address competition -- at least not directly. Instead, it commands us to lay down our lives for each other. (John 15: 12-13. "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.") Treat others better than ourselves. (Phil. 2:3. "In humility consider others better than yourselves.") Give a stranger the coat off our back (Matt. 5:40. "If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also."). Love others. (John 15:12. "Love each other as I have loved you."). Love our enemies. (Matt 5:44. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."). Doesn't sound like win at all costs to me.

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I don't believe, however, that God calls us to be weak or door mats for people who want to run us over. No. God raises up the poor (Matt. 5:3. "Blessed are the Poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.") gives strength to the weak (Is. 40:31. "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.") fights for the oppressed (Ps. 9:9-10 "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."). He is the ultimate Judge, Arbiter, Decider. And Jesus also didn't bow to questions or pressure, even when he could have . . . .

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But nevertheless, since the greatest of these is love (1 Cor. 13:13. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.") living life doing only what's right in every situation is my end game. Now to help Seth understand that . . . .

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"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Matt. 7:12

The Happiest Place on Earth

Monday, Seth and I and a bunch of our cousins visited the happiest place on earth. That's right: Walt Disney World. I wondered to myself a year ago about this place we call the "happiest". When you're there, even on days when it's not raining and cold like it was Monday, people don't seem all that happy. Parents are irritated and yelling at kids. Children are crying and tired. Lines are long and tempers flare. Happiest place indeed. I think the problem is really one of expectation and something God has taught me over and over in my life.

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We knew, before we went to Disney, that the weather was not likely to cooperate. Rain was called for the entire day. That was a bummer; surely not what you hope for on Disney day. But because of that, I had my expectations in line and my "plans" checked at the door. We went to Disney, got wet, had short lines (yay!), and ultimately had a great time. No, Seth wasn't running around screaming with delight like he might have. (Turns out he was on the verge of being pretty sick.) And a smile wasn't permanently plastered to his face, and the sun didn't kiss our cheeks or even show its face, and we were fairly wet and, at times, miserable. But we had fun. http://sethcameron.blogspot.com/
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What does Disney have to do with the topic of this blog? Single and adoption..... HUH? Expectations. Seth doesn't disappointment me except when I expect him to be someone he isn't. Like my one year old cousins who are starting to talk, even though they are a full year behind him. Or my three year old cousin who can run and jump and drive a barbie jeep like a champ. Or my seven or nine year old cousins who are so sweet and social and funny. Nope. Seth isn't like them. And I need to constantly check my expectations at the door or I'll go crazy! My next child won't disappoint either, if I can keep my human expectations in check. See, even my sister's "perfect" kids don't always meet expectations, and that's okay. Just like Seth's okay. It's all about expectations.
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Don't get me wrong. I think expectations are important. Particularly for kids. If you don't expect anything, your kids will have no goals; nothing to push for, nothing to push them. I guess the part I'm talking about is a little different and relates to the expectations we put on life and situations and people.

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Expectations are HUGE in relationships. I remember hearing that years ago when I was in my 20s and wanting to be married. If you expect perfection, you will always be disappointed. I will always be disappointed. If I keep a list of criteria to be my friend or my boyfriend, I will constantly be let down. It's only in keeping our "lists" in line with what God's Word says that we will not be disappointed. In real life, the sky doesn't often part, the birds don't sing, and life doesn't become some ridiculous playground of fun. (Can you tell I was just at Disney???) So that's what I'm working on. God and me. Expectations. Godly expectations. For me, for my kiddos, and for the one-day Captain of Team Steiner. Expectations. Check.

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David sang in the Psalms, "For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope (expectation) is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken." Psalm 62: 5-6. Hope in the Lord. Expectations only in Him. That's the surest way I know to the happiest place on earth.

Word of God Speak

Ok, so I literally RAN to work today from the train station. I often write my blogs on the train. Most of what I write comes to me when I'm sleeping, and then while I'm riding to work, I simply email it to myself and paste it here when I get in. Same thing often happens on the train ride home. What happened last night and today is, in my view, completely miraculous. Excited yet??? :)

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Let me start from the beginning. I met with Adoption Link on December 28 to re-up my home study and get the adoption process rolling. I had a quick second meeting with them a week later. Home study, done. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I got a call from Noreen about three days later, asking me about a placement, which I declined. What I didn't write at the time was that the child she called about was going to have a lot of special needs. Noreen told me the baby's mother had been using cocaine throughout the pregnancy, smoking, and maybe drinking. She is also a prostitute who could be carrying diseases passed to the baby.

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After that call from Noreen, I found myself talking to God a lot about what this next baby "should" be like. That didn't include any special needs. I also thought to myself that I would decline any babies that might have needs and wait for the "normal" child. Hmmm.....

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Fast forward to January 11, when I had that remarkable call from God to pray for Seth. I shared in my posting the following day that I felt led to pray for Seth's complete healing. What I didn't share is that while I was praying for Seth's healing, God asked me over and over, "Isn't Seth enough?" "Why isn't Seth enough?" "Seth is enough." "Seth is enough." I didn't know what to make of that at the time, but as I sat on it over the following weeks, I accepted that God was telling me one child is "enough" because I wasn't sure how else to understand it. Hmmm.....

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Last night I started a season of prayer to God about the "no" I heard related to this second adoption. I decided that, like Moses in Exodus 32, I could pray for God to change His "mind". That strikes me as odd. Does it you as well? That God wanted to smite the Israelites for their so-called rubber necks, more specifically what I would call faithlessness, and instead, Moses cried out for them, reminded God of His promises, and God relented. Wow! That's one of the most amazing stories in the Bible. It demonstrates the power of prayer even when God first gives a different answer! Anyway, I began to pray.....

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As I talked to God about my hopes for more children and His promises to give me the desires of my heart (more on that later) and his command to care for orphans, interestingly, what I did not hear was the "no" I've been hearing. Instead God and I ended up talking about Seth's special needs and the potential special needs of a second child. More specifically, God pointed out to me in a clear way that I'm really afraid of having another child who has needs equal to or even greater than Seth. What I spend my time hoping and praying for is a completely normal child like one of my sister's kids. (Sorry, Lisa. Easy target....)

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That's certainly not where I thought those prayers were going to lead last night. But (okay, sometimes I like that word) it reminded me in a very real way that God might be preparing me for something that needs more time to grow in me. Whether I want to admit it or not, I have some ideas about what my family "should" look like and those ideas aren't from God. See, when Noreen called about that first baby, it was pretty easy for me to look at that baby (figuratively) and say NO. But that baby, like all other orphans, needs a home too. Who is going to be the mother to the drug addicted? Who will parent the disabled? Who will love the baby with AIDS? Maybe, just maybe, God needs to work on my heart a little more before He allows me to proceed into this second adoption.

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THEN (this is the really cool part), I was riding on the train this morning, writing this blog, when it hit me. (Maybe it's more obvious to you . . . .) Just look at how all of this unfolded. The home study. The call about a baby I "couldn't" (wouldn't) accept. God telling me that Seth is "enough". Hmmm. Seth is enough. Seth is enough. That's it! Seth with all of his glorious and, at times, painful issues is ENOUGH! That is, as I've blogged about before, God and I are in this parenting thing together and whatever issues come up, we can handle them. If God gives me another special needs child, OKAY. If God gives me a VERY special needs child? OKAY! See maybe God isn't saying no to this adoption after all, but is working on me and my heart to understand that Seth is enough, with his issues, and the next baby will also be enough no matter what comes.

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Phew! God is really working on me, again. And we have more work to do. I'm resisting the temptation to call Noreen today and throw my profile in the mix because over the weekend, God and I agreed that I would pray through February (and beyond) about the question of my next child. I covet your prayers now more than ever. If I can single out my adoptive family friends for a second . . . . Carissa, Katie and Sasha. You bless me over and over with your words and your prayers. Please keep praying for me, like Moses prayed, and I will continue to pray for you and your families everyday. Thank you for doing this thing called life with Seth and me. Love you guys. Bottom line? God is enough. For everything.

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"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to HIM be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever Amen." Ephesians 3:20

Unplugged

Ok, so I think my blog has been a teensy weensy little bit confusing lately. That's because confusion is confusing! (What's it called when you define a word with the same word???) Let me try to break it down for you.

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I want to adopt another child. Well, more precisely, I want to adopt more children. Plain and simple. I believe that God has given me the heart and the means to do it. And I happily oblige! But (I hate that word) since I've started the process this second time around, I have been troubled by some whisperings from God, I think. The whisperings seem to be saying "no" or at minimum, "Not yet." I have resisted saying that on this blog because it's a very hard thing for me to face much less write and share with my friends. I don't like being told no, especially when it comes to something that my heart longs for. In this case, more children.

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In trying to figure out what I am hearing, and what I'm not, I have been examining some of my own fears and hesitations related to this adoption. And I've written about those. Your comments and emails to me in response have spoken to my heart and have encouraged me beyond belief! There were moments, upon reading your thoughts, that I felt cleared up to proceed and so, in response, I sent my profile to Adoption Link and took the next steps. But (there it is again) then, in the quiet times between God and me, I feel something that just isn't right. It is hard for me to find words for it, but God is speaking and, in short, I don't have a green light.

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That makes me very sad. The irony is that some of your encouragement helped me to listen to God's voice. Katie said that deep down we know the leap of faith we need to take. And when I read that, I knew. She was right. Not what she was thinking she said to me, but another leap of faith. A leap to wait. Many of my identified, human hesitations are resolved. Amen! But that still small voice whispers on . . . . .

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To be clear, I don't know what this means in the long run. Does it mean no second child? Does it mean "not right now"? Is it "no" for a month? Is it "no" for a year? Could it be my own anxiety getting in the way of the decision? Could it be the enemy messing with me? I have no earthly idea. What I do know is that like Seth in the puddle, God is telling me "no" for a reason I can't see yet. Therefore, I've asked Noreen to put my profile on hold until I call her because if I know anything, it's that I'm going to need God to say GO for me to be completely right with this decision.

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And I'm sad.

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Here I am again, Lord. Relying on You to lead me. Please show me the way. Show me Your way. And Lord, when the time is right, whether it's next week or next year, please bless my family with another one of your precious children. And just so you know, next week would be good with me. God, give me the green light and make it as clear as the sun. Amen.

God's Love

Do you ever wonder if God loves you? I guess I sometimes do, honestly. And it relates to the "no" in my life. Hence, the earlier two-year-old post. It goes something like this, "If You loved me, God, you would ________." [Fill in the blank.] Don't we all have something that fits the blank? I know I do. I have a few things.

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My mom got me a great book for Christmas. I'm on my third read of it: the furious longing of God by brennan manning. The entire book is about God's love for us. I think that's why I can't stop reading it. :-) Manning writes,

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"When the night is bad and my nerves are shattered and the waves break over the sides, Infinity speaks. God Almighty shares through His Son the depth of His feelings for me, His love flashes into my soul, and I am overtaken by mystery. These are moments of kairos -- the decisive inbreak of God's fury into my personal life's story. It is then I face a momentous decision. . . . I can escape below into skepticism and intellectualism, hanging on for dear life. Or, with radical amazement, I can stay on deck and boldly stand in surrendered faith to the truth of my belovedness, caught up in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God. And learn to pray."

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"I am my beloved's, and His desire is for ME." Song of Solomon 7:10

Two Year Olds

The longer I live, the more I realize I'm just like a two-year old. Maybe having a son who is two is reminding me of my occasionally toddler-like behavior. Today I witnessed the perfect example.

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It has been unseasonably warm here -- upper '40s today and raining. Seth and I ran some errands and, when we arrived home, we left the car outside because we were headed to Joel's later. I took Seth out of his car seat and set him on the sidewalk, pointed toward the gate to the yard, so I could grab my bags. No sooner had I turned my back then I noticed Seth was wandering around instead of heading in through the gate I had opened. As I watched his cautious steps, I quickly realized where he was headed: there was a gigantic puddle in the middle of our side yard seemingly calling to Seth. "No. Seth, no. Do not walk in there. Seth! No no no NO NO NO!!!." Despite my increasing urgency and loud screams, Seth walked himself right into the middle of that gigantic puddle and with water up to his ankles, his shoes completely submerged, turned and looked at me with a look that said, "What? What did I do????" Sigh.

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I ditched my bags, swooped up my son, and stomped into the house where, behind a little smirk of my own, I said, "Mommy said no. You must listen, Seth." Grrr. :-)

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I'm not all that different than Seth. I also don't understand why I can't do or can't have certain things that are appealing to me. I also hear the voice of my Heavenly Father, quietly at first, and then louder, telling me no, no, no, no, NO -- and yet, I don't always listen. Like Seth, I don't understand why God says no to some of the things I want. And it's hard. Frustrating, really. So in that sense, I can relate to Seth and I have more grace for him. But that doesn't make the "no" any easier when I can't see the problem with the puddle.

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“It is the Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” Luke 12:32