The Great Adventure

There is a phrase in the adoption community, "Born of my heart," which is intended to capture the miracle of adoption. Pretty good, right? That's a child who is born, not of our body or our biology, but out of the love in our hearts, placed there by God. Before Seth was born, I coined my own phrase, expanding on this one, "Conceived in prayer, born of my heart," for Seth was certainly conceived in my deepest prayers and conversations with God. I still believe that God has placed a particular and specific call on my life to adopt. And he's done it again.

Yep, you guessed it. New blog; new and improved family! I'm so excited I can't stop the tears even as I write this. YAY!!!! My family's second sweet one will be joining us, um, sometime. Hopefully in the next year. We can't know just when a birth mom will choose us, but we are praying this bundle of joy home by Christmas 2010, maybe a lot sooner! I remember when I started the process the first time, Noreen started showing my profile in August 2007 and by September, I was preparing for Seth's arrival. Yaowza! This time, Noreen will have my profile by the second week of January 2010......

Back to "Conceived in prayer, born of my heart." Having experienced it once before, I can tell you without hesitation that adoption is a miracle. Full stop. I will remember the day I found out Seth was coming for the rest of my life. From that day in September until his birth in November, my love for him grew daily. I imagined how he would look. I dreamed of holding him. I quickly prepared my house and, more importantly, my heart. I loved him without knowing him. I prayed for him and birth mom, Grace. That's why, when one of the men who could be Seth's birth father twice said that he wanted to take Seth (once before he was born and once when Seth was five months old) the feeling was the same both times. Panic. This child had already been born into my heart and was "mine" as much as a mother who is carrying a child in her womb. Now that's a miracle! And we're on that road again. I feel my heart growing five times its normal size -- something I will never be able to explain to anyone, but I physically have a feeling inside of me, preparing for another child. Yippee!

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Anyway, enough of this personal celebration I have going on. Making this decision was not easy for me. I had some whisperings the first time around but this time they were different, and harder. This time the whisperings said that it's fine if you have one child and are single, but having TWO children means you are NEVER getting married. I was fixated on this in the fall and struggled to hear God through my inner turmoil. So I have to share this story of God's answer to me. I was on a walk with a dear friend when I raised this issue. Bless her, she stopped in her tracks (literally) and said to me, "You want to adopt another child and aren't doing it because you are afraid you won't get married?" Yep. That's me. Oh me of little faith. She exclaimed to me, "Deb, that is a lie from the pit of hell!" And then she said a prayer for me right there.

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The very next day, another friend sent me a blog about a family who has ten kids, and counting, as they say. It's a beautiful picture of adoption from around the world. My heart. My dream. As I was reading through the blog, I noticed something in the margin. It said, "Should a single woman adopt?" I gulped, concerned about what that posting might say. Concerned that there are plenty of people who believe that only husband and wife can raise children. Did I really want to read this posting? I took a deep breath and clicked on the posting. Let's just say SPOKE RIGHT TO MY HEART. I'm not going to rehash it here, but this is the link:

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http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/2009/08/should-single-woman-adopt.html

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Be careful. That blog is addicting!!! :-) I quickly sent the link off to my friend from the day before and said, "Check this out. Aaaaaaaa!!" What she wrote back is one of those emails I will treasure forever. She wrote, in part,

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"Amen. Amen. And Amen to that woman's blog! Hello, word from the Lord. Let it be an encouragement to you, Deb. Fight the fight of faith and trust that His plan is better, way better. That if you go ahead and adopt again that the man that He brings, if that is His will, will love you all the more because you adopted and then adopted again. Nothing is too hard for the Lord! You want a man who values adoption and who deeply loves and respects the passions and sacrifices you have made. YOU DESERVE THAT KIND OF MAN. To put it bluntly, . . . God can bring you a husband that treasures a woman who has adopted 2 children. It may feel impossible. But He's the God of the impossible."

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So, yes. I'm single. And shortly I will have two kids. And maybe down the road I will have another. God is with us. God is sustaining me. God did this to me. :-) Seriously, though. I believe God designed my life for this, built it into my heart, and gave me the resources to make it happen. And I'm going to relish every last second of it and look forward to what's next for my growing family! Yippee!!

Christmas Letter

That’s right. I didn’t write one. For the first time in many years, no Christmas letter. A few weeks ago when I sat down to write one, it just wasn’t coming to me so I decided not to force it. And then we hit “the season” and suddenly I had all kinds of thoughts about what Christmas means to me and what I might write in a letter, but by then it was too late. Figures. So here-I-go-a-blogging the letter….

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My new friend Laura recently mentioned that she thinks “wonder” is a great word. Got me thinking – about the word, what it means, and how right she is. To me, WONDER captures the essence of Christmas, almost better than any other word I can think of! I mean, isn’t that what God really asks us to do? Wonder at His son, born for us to die for us. Wonder at His faithfulness. Wonder at His grace and forgiveness. Wonder at His justice and mercy and goodness and, most of all, holiness.

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God says, "Whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." Mark 10:15; Luke 18:17. Isn’t that the essence of wonder??? Kids are so good at wonder. Seth, for example, has that look permanently affixed to his face right now. We went to a Christmas party at his therapy group and, yep, you guessed it. Santa showed up. Seth was so busy when we got there; running around like a crazy man, shrieking and playing and torturing the other kids. Then Santa walked in. Once I actually managed to get Seth’s attention, this was his face:

I mean, talk about WONDER. He was glued to the man for about five minutes straight. He watched his every move. He physically couldn’t look away!

Then he decided that he needed to show Santa his Duncan train, so he happily danced in circles, showing Duncan to Santa. (Of course, Santa was busy and didn’t notice).


After a while, Seth moved on and was back to running, leaping, crawling and rolling up and down the ramp. (sigh) Oh brother.

To me, that IS Christmas, and it brought tears to my eyes as I sat and watched Seth experience it. No, not "Santa," although I do believe that God delights in our giving gifts to one another. And not the secularization of Christmas. But again, God is bigger than the ways we trivialize the birth of His son. The true meaning of Christmas for me is WONDER. When is the last time that I had THAT look on my face when considering the birth of the Christ child? When is the last time that I took just a minute (much less five) to consider the magnitude of what God did that day? When is the last time that I, like Mary, sang of God's goodness in my life? "My soul, my soul. Magnifies the Lord, my soul. Magnifies the Lord, HE has done great things, great things for me . . . ." I think if I took a little more time to let the reality of CHRISTMAS sink in I just might have THAT look on my face a little more often. Wonder. Amazement. Awe.

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So this Christmas, in this bloggy Christmas letter, we pray that you would experience the wonder of Christmas in all that Christ has done for us. May the true meaning of the day rest deeply in your heart and soul. And, as I always close these things, may Jesus be the twinkle in your eye and the spring in your step -- because He is ours! Merry, merry Christmas!!

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January 1, 2010 HERE WE COME!!!!

Love, Deb & Seth

Praise the Lord!

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to praise the Lord when we get our way? Or when prayers are answered with "yes"? The real test of our faith is whether we can (and do) praise Him when it doesn't go our way or results in pain or suffering rather than celebration.

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I've been praying with fervor about Seth and his surgeries and his issues. And God is systematically answering all of my prayers (and yours too!). The only unanswered prayer to this point is for complete and total healing. And I'm not giving up on that yet! So today, when his surgery went well and when we got more good news about his hormone levels and endocrine system, I praised Him. Loudly. Thank GOD, I said. Amen, I screamed! I cried when I got the call telling me that diabetes is off the table. God is good!!! But what if today had ended differently? What if the answer to prayer had been "No, Seth will have diabetes insipidus and I will use that illness for My good, too." Or what if surgery hadn't gone well? Could I still praise Him?

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That's the rub isn't it? I mean it's easy to tell friends that our kids are so "good" and "pure joy" when they are in a season of obedience. Likewise, it is "easy" to give God all of the credit when things are going right. And frankly, if I'm honest, it is consistent with what I think I know of Him. He is good. He is faithful. He loves Seth more than I do. Of course He would make sure that Seth is cared for and healthy, right? But what if He didn't? That's where the faith comes in. Faith that God has something more for Seth no matter what comes into our path. Faith that God is using Seth for His purposes, even when I can't see it. I think that's why that song by Jeremy Camp, "I will walk by faith" means so much to me right now:

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"I will walk by faith; even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road, prepares your will for me..... See I'm broken, BUT I STILL SEE YOUR FACE. Well you've spoken, pouring your words of grace..... So I will walk by faith....."Isn't that what it's all about?? Lord, help me.

On the intersection between my will and his (and His)

As Seth is nearing two years old, the battles between Seth and me, while still infrequent, are becoming more pronounced. He has a will and I’m glad about that. Having a will serves you well in life. Gives you passion; makes you hard-working; frankly, makes you more interesting! So the last thing I want to do as a parent is squash his will or his spirit. I want it to grow, and I want to guide it toward the right things. That’s the trick to parenting, isn’t it?

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On Saturday, we drove to Manchester College to see some friends. I had a plan for the day: get up early, drive to Indiana, stay until bedtime, and drive home. One day trip; that was my plan. Seth handled the plan beautifully. He rode in the car – watching his videos and happily singing along. Once we got there, he played with friends – showing them his trains and looking at animals and meeting lots of strangers. He even took a nap when he had enough – two hours in his stroller!! Wow! Then he was awake again: eating and playing and meeting more people. He was a trooper on what was a very long day. We left about 10 and drove home. Of course, he stayed awake way too long, telling me all about his day and his crush on Kelsey…..

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I had a plan for that day and it went according to plan. Seth played right inside the boundaries of what I had hoped for. There are many things that could have happened that would not have ruined the plan or been outside of the boundaries, but could have made it more difficult. For example, Seth could have gone without a nap. Not perfect, but fine. He could have had a melt down. I expected one, frankly, but he didn’t. He might not have liked all my friends and family, but he seemed to. Regardless, I drew a big circle around the day, knew the potential downsides that could occur, but hoped to play inside the lines and Seth did beautifully. My “will” for that day was accomplished.

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Friday was a tough day. I unexpectedly got a call from Seth’s doctor, setting us up to see yet another specialist (Endocrinologist) because of some urine tests Seth had a few weeks ago. I lost it. Not because of the test or the possible diagnosis, but because Seth and I have seen a doctor (or therapist or specialist of some sort) every couple of days (on average) for weeks. And so far we have five doctors’ appointments and surgery, all before the 21st, and that’s before we even get to post-op appointments! I’m exhausted of it. I’m exhausted for Seth. If one more person tries to look in his eyes I might punch them. I think, “We know what’s in his eyes and what isn’t. Look on the chart! Please don’t torture my son any more!!” Anyway, that was my flesh crying out on Friday. Enough is enough.

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Seth’s increasing (and beautiful) strong will and the challenges we are facing medically have again prompted me to reflect on God’s will. And I ask myself: Is it God’s “will” (or plan) that Seth and I would walk this road? Hmm. I'm not sure. Do I think God allows it? You betcha. Do I think God is with us in it? For sure. Do I think God gives me the grace for each day to get through it? Yes. Even Friday? Yes. Over and over, yes. But I don’t know that I would call the difficult parts of my life with Seth “God’s Will,” but rather our life in a fallen world. I guess I’m not a Calvinist, according to Pastor Chris. :-)

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As I’ve thought and read and prayed about this I see it more like my life parenting Seth. God has drawn a circle around my life and because He gives me free will, he allows me to “play” inside the boundaries that He has drawn. I get to make choices and I believe they are real choices. I am not a puppet. I am not a fatalist. That’s the real mystery of loving and serving a God about whom we don’t know everything. We have free will and yet God has a Will. The intersection between those two is the mystery.

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I believe God cares about all of the little things in my life, but only because He is good and loving and cares about ME. He collects my tears, scripture says. But I don’t read that to mean that every one of my steps is ordered. Does He know the beginning and the end? Yes. Does He know the middle? Yes, again. But that doesn’t mean that I go outside of God’s Will by the choices I make, IF those choices are not contrary to scripture. I believe God uses me in Chicago, but could also use me in Wichita, Kansas, if we chose to move there. I believe God is using me in Seth’s life (and Seth in mine, for sure) but I also believe He would have used me if I had not adopted Seth. I believe God delights in my choices, as long as they are within the boundaries He has set forth for me in the Bible. I don’t believe, however, that His will is a “dot” that I need to follow around – always making sure that I’m on “the dot” and never straying from “the dot.” (Pastor James MacDonald coined this idea in a great sermon series I’d be happy to share if you are interested.) God is way bigger than that.

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So what does it mean when we pray, “Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” For me, when we talk about God’s Will, I am talking about the way in which God uses WHATEVER our circumstance for His good. Our good choices AND our bad ones (those not scriptural). So while I believe God cares about my hurt and my exhaustion and my loneliness and my circumstances, I believe He cares precisely because of the relationship of those things to my heart for HIM. His Will is that His people would know Him and worship Him and serve Him. Let Thy Will be done!! I don’t think He cares whether I take this job or that, as long as it fits within the scriptural boundaries He has established. (Choosing “bank robber” as a profession probably ain’t gonna cut it.) I don’t think he cares whether I live here or there, unless He has placed a specific call on my life that I'm ignoring. I don’t even think he cares whether I marry or I don’t, other than how I may feel about that. His concern is how those circumstances are impacting His eternal purposes and how He might use them for His good. Maybe that’s why we oft say, “You can’t thwart God’s Will.” Because His Will is bigger than our circumstances. He USES those. Yes, He wants to give me the desires of my heart. I believe scripture whole-heartedly. But, again, how far does that go in terms of the choices I have the free will to make? Maybe God IS trying to give me the desires of my heart and I’m too willful to get it!

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For me, God sets the boundaries and I should run within them. And I do. Or try to. When it’s hard and when it’s painful, it doesn’t mean I’m outside of His will. But I also don’t think it means the suffering IS God’s will either, although I believe there are times when it may be. We live in a fallen world, and God gives me the grace each day to get through just that day. (Thanks, Holly) That’s the intersection between God’s Will and mine. And what I hope to establish for Seth: The boundaries within which he has perfect and complete freedom to run and experience life – even the pains of it – with me in the background, cheering him on, delighting in his choices, and lovingly correcting him when he steps outside the boundaries. That’s the parent I want to be because that’s the Heavenly Father I have.

Watershed

On those watershed moments with God.
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I have been blessed to spend some great time with great friends lately. Wednesday, I got Debbie -- my new friend and mentor and wise one -- all to myself for several hours. Yeah! Then, Thursday, at Breakthrough, I got to connect with one of my favorite people in the world -- Von. Interestingly, these conversations migrated to the same thing and the subject of this Blog: Seth.

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With Debbie (who doesn't really know him yet) I spent a short time explaining all of Seth's little "issues" and some of the many doctors we are keeping employed between the two of us. She shared that her niece also has a special needs child and writes a blog about it. (Checked out her Blog -- we should be friends!!!). Anyway, after I heard about Debbie's niece, I shared about my watershed moment with Seth back when he was just two months old.

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When Seth was just two months old (or less) I already knew that something wasn't quite right with him. He didn't look at me like other little guys would and I started to worry. Started to panic. (I associate lack of eye contact with autism. Of course, two months old is WAY too young to notice, much less diagnose, autism, but I didn't know that at the time.). Anyway, I was up all night, worried and praying and crying out to God that Seth would be "perfect." At some point, I collapsed and could finally hear God. (Amazing what happens when we shut our flappers and stop talking to ourselves, our friends, or even God. God can speak once we stop!!) And He did. As if He spoke directly into my soul, God reminded me that whatever issues Seth may have (insert list of "horribles") God will be with us. If we have to have tests and surgeries, God will be there. If we have times of struggle, God will be there too. When I feel like I can't do it as a single mom, God will step in. "I will never leave you nor forsake you," He said. I can't begin to tell you what that moment was like. It seeped deep into my soul and I've never forgotten it. Nor will I. But most importantly, since then (now, 20 months later) I don't worry about Seth. I don't worry about what struggles we will face or what the future holds. God's promises to me, reiterated that night almost two years ago, are enough. His grace is enough. Sure, some of the stuff we face with Seth is daunting and scary. And I pray. A lot. But fear does not grip me and I am not overcome. God is in control. Loved sharing that memory with Debbie. I can't wait to see what God does with that relationship!!!

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So, fast forward 24 hours and I'm with Von at Breakthrough. We exchanged pleasantries (like we often do) and then without much fanfare, jumped right into the heart of life and what's happening. This is why I love him. Von is a great listener. Compassion and empathy ooze from him. When we sat down for dinner, Ed (our fearless leader) asked how Seth is doing. I gave him the run down of where we are and what's next and how to pray for him. Von sat next to me, quietly listening. When I was done, Von said, "God has given Seth precisely the right mother." Could there be any better message than that -- particularly for an adoptive mother??? I will treasure that message forever. Thank you, Von.

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But it gets better: watershed. Von and I started talking about my adoption process and how God was present and called me and directed me and how in-tune I felt (God is always tuned in -- whether I am is another question). And then it hit me: during the home study process, I was very open to whatever child God would have for me. Or so I thought. I'd take any race. Any age. Boy or girl. Any exposure to drugs and maybe even alcohol. But I was very specific that I could not handle and did not want a special needs child. I am single after all, I rationalized to my social worker, and if God has called me to adopt, surely He doesn't want it to be THAT hard for me. Hmmm. Interesting statements I made.

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See, God gave me a special needs baby despite my view of my own limitations. God gave me Seth with all of his glorious and, at times, painful issues. And I adore him. And I wouldn't change one thing about him. Not one. That's the definition of unconditional love. Sure, Seth's life is going to be a little more challenging than some other kids. He has therapy three days a week and at least one major surgery on the horizon. But God is with him. God is with us. He's using Seth's "stuff" for our good and I pray every day that Seth would put his lessons through these trials to Kingdom use one day. God putting Seth in my life (a special needs child and the one thing I thought I couldn't handle) taught me that God knows and understands what we need better than we can ever know. God knows our deepest needs, our deepest desires, and the sum total of what we can handle. God knows. Isn't there some great comfort in that, even when we feel like He didn't "do what we wanted Him to do?" And how arrogant is the assumption that we would know better than GOD?!?! His ways are perfect.

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That realization leads to me to this final thought. There is a book called Sacred Parenting that I read just after Seth was born. Loved it. Highly recommend it. The same author wrote Sacred Marriage with the tag line -- what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?.... I'm reading that now. I find the title interesting and probably true, based on what friends have told me about their marriages. But isn't the title a bit short sighted? That is, doesn't God use our LIVES for holiness? Didn't God put us here, married or not, so that we would become more holy? Certainly, God didn't put us here so we would be "happy" and skip along without a care in the world -- although that seems alluring sometimes. God put us here for HIM and HIS glory and HIS purposes. He allows these challenges for refinement. For holiness. For real-ness. And yes, He delights in our happiness but calls us only to JOY (I'm working on that!). After all, even Jesus wept and suffered and cried out for God, asking why God had forsaken Him. May it be ever more the same for me and my family -- total and complete submission to God's will.

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God, help me (and Seth) to know the full measure of your Holiness . . . in everything that I do and in everything that I am. I thank you for Seth and for how You have used him to teach me so many things. We submit to Your will in our lives. AMEN!

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Watershed.